Seriously

I want to be a leader. I want to serve and never get paid for what I do. really! I enjoy serving others and not getting paid much more then when I have a day at work where I make two hundred dollars an hour. I love to serve and I hate being served.(I’m pretty sure not wanting to be served is bad)

I’m going to be real honest and this is probably going to cause much hatred towards me. I really don’t have much of a heart for these people in other countries that can’t eat and who don’t know Jesus. I don’t feel called in one bit to go feed these people or go witness to these poor people. I’m sorry but thats just what I feel. Things like Compassion intl. are awesome and great and I pray that they keep such things rolling to feed such people and give them an education that everyone deserves.

Here’s my deal though. I love America. I would die for this country because I’m a firm believer in us. My heart is here in the U.S.A. After going to San Diego to help a church plant out there, I came to realize that these rich snobs need Christ. You would think that if they have a lot of money that they would be smart. But that is not true because they are not smart enough to realize that they need a relationship with Jesus Christ. I had a conversation with a man about a year or two older than me in S.D. and he said that he didn’t need Jesus because he was emotionally stable. Jesus to him was for the down and out. And he was basically right on the money for explaining America’s view on Christ.

I want to reach the other side of the spectrum of lost people. The rich ones. I believe that it would be a much harder task of sharing Christ with a person that already has “everything that they want”, than sharing Christ with someone that has nothing left to live for.(Christ gives them something to live for)

I could go much more in depth in all of these subject matters but I’ll admit that I am a lazy typer who doesn’t feel like sitting at his computer for a long period of time. So I will keep it mostly surface level.

once again, sorry for making your eyes bleed.

In Pursuit of Becoming a Better Father Than the One I Preceed

So much anger. I can’t get rid of it. I’m tired all of the time for no apparent reason. I have lost all desire to do anything and I am to tired to care, to be real honest. Writing this is taking everything in me to do so. God where are you in all of this? I have fallen down and i can’t seem to get myself back up again, Jesus have mercy, have mercy. I don’t see you. I don’t feel you. I need you now, not just some words or a feeling. Your probably right here but I am too proud to see you or feel your touch. Why is everything failing? Why is every street a dead end? Why is every door a slam in the face? Why does it feel like my life is slowly but yet quickly falling apart? I have this stupid feeling that if I just had a car then everything would be better. That’s where the ground beneath me began to crumble.(when my car passed away) If only I had a car i would be able to go to work and get more work in the process. I would be able to just get away which is what i oh so desperately need right now. I need to get away and a car can bring this to me. This is how I am feeling, unfortunately. If I could just get away from it all.

The house in which I preside in feels like a prison. I have no “home”. I want a “home” rather desperately. I want a Mother and a Father. I have parents but I want nothing to do with them. I want nothing to do with my father because he is a coward who can’t stand up to his own wife. She treats him like crap, She gets what She wants and He does whatever it takes to keep Her from leaving Him. She controls him. My father puts so much effort into keeping His relationship alive with his unloving wife that he doesn’t realize that he has lost all his real family in the process. She told my father that it was either us(my brother and I) or her. He chose her without even trying to make a compromise or work things out. We weren’t bad kids, we just didn’t match up to her perfect assembly of (lose your salvation on a daily basis) God beliefs and morals. Her kids are angels and my brother and I are 2 devils. According to what I heard her telling my mother over the phone a couple years back. My father abandoned us for some lady that moved in across the street from us and forced us to change the way we live and expected to preteen boys to just listen and follow this strangers orders. My dad deserves so much better than her and maybe when he realizes that his whole family is gone that he really does deserve better.

My relationship with my dad isn’t all that great I would say. I think that’s why I have such a hard time in situations like these that I am in, to trust in God the father. Right now I am struggling and depressed and nowhere is my dad to be found, unless I call him. Him calling me, to see how I am doing, would be proof that there is a God because it would be a miracle. I’ve tried numerous amounts of times to talk to my father about things that I am going through and seek his advice and comfort. His reaction has always been the same, he tells me that my thoughts are stupid and that I need to stop having them. Gee thanks dad your such a help and thanks for that oh so desired pat on the back, you frickin useless jerk who can’t help his own son in a time of need because he is to busy helping his precious unloving wife. This is why I have a hard time seeing God in the hard times. My father is suppose to be my tangible evidence of my God the father. Way to go dad.

My dad is a great man for small talk but I want more than that. I want to “talk” to my dad. Not about the weather but about things that matter. This I can see as already posing a problem with my heavenly father.

Maybe I need to workout more. Maybe I need to read my Bible more. Maybe i need to write more stuff like this. who really knows. I have no outlet for all of this inside of me. I used to have friends to do this with. They were always there but then they all got a girlfriend or got married and friends are now on the back burner for them.(completely right for those married ones but no excuse for the dating ones) I don’t have family. I want a family so amazingly bad because I don’t have one. I want to start my own and start new family traditions. I want a corny, silly, loving family that I can lead and serve and help them grow in the Lord with.

My God I know your there I just don’t know where. I love you Lord. You are my everything. I say that and I think I mean it but I can’t seem to live it. Jesus please forgive me. Help me. Have mercy Lord, Have mercy.

*For those who read all of this I am so sorry for putting you through all of this. I’m just looking for some kind of outlet and I’m hoping this does the trick. May God heal your bleeding eyes.